What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 11:23
My family never makes their pension either.
I will be 64.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do men like women gold diggers?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It was going to be , some day.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Is it sinful for Christians to look at beautiful women?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Put me off passion for life!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Is it possible to run away from home at 16? What are some essential items to bring for survival?
All the time i was locked up.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.